My Purpose

I grew up in a southern Baptist family. Sunday mornings and Sunday evenings were spent at a large, grey church where I heard the gospel message time and time again. I watched as my Sunday school friends professed their faith in God, and even did so myself when I was nine years old.

As we grew, however, I noticed a distinct difference between our experiences with faith. They, at least externally, where certain of their fate to spend eternity in heaven. They had accepted Jesus, and therefore, were saved from evilness and hell. I, despite having made the same profession of faith, could not shake the feeling that my fate was not so decided. I distinctly remember being twelve years old, standing next to my father at an outdoor summer revival at our church. As everyone else was happily singing to God, I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I began to sweat, not because of the July heat, but because suddenly I knew that I was damned. That despite having made a public profession of faith in Jesus Christ, I could not help but notice that my mind was not completely committed.

When I became older still, I was tempted by everything the world has to offer. I understand that this is not uncommon, but I watched as the members of my Sunday school class grew to love God more and more as I seemed to be slipping further away from Him. Why was it so hard for me to obey, given that I had virtually the same upbringing as the others - who seemed still so enraptured by God's love?

I am still struggling with this today. My heart wants to believe and to be committed to God. I want to be a kind person and to find that peace that my Sunday school mates found at age twelve. I want to be certain of my eternity, and most of all, I want to live for God while I am still on earth. I don't just want to try to live for God, I want to truly desire to do His will.

After much thought, I have concluded that in order to make my entire person believe in Christianity, I must convince my mind as well as my heart. To do this, I am studying C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity. In school, when I had difficult material that I had to truly grasp, I wrote down my understanding of it in narrative form. That is the purpose of this blog. To work out my understanding of God, the nature of this universe, and religion - perhaps the most complex, difficult material I have ever had to grasp - and certainly the most important.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis likens the state of our universe to a civil war. A war between the ultimate power, God and a rebel, the Devil. After America's Civil War, Congress drafted The Ironclad Oath. An oath of total and complete loyalty to the Union, taken by former rebels. At the end of this process, it is my goal to sincerely take this oath to God, as I have surely long been a rebel in the civil war over the universe.

The thoughts expressed here are my own - my reasonings and my attempts to understand Christianity. They may not always reflect what C.S. Lewis was trying to express in Mere Christianity. I am hoping that this reasoning will lead me closer to having absolutely no doubts in my faith. Early in Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis asserts, "God is the source from which all your reasoning comes from." If he is correct, I feel like this is a worthwhile project.